One September some years back, an English soccer magazine produced a feature where it photo-shopped the heads of footballers onto the shirts of all the clubs they'd been erroneously linked to during the summer transfer madness. Although the Women's World Cup and the increasing availability of televised underage international tournaments has more or less eliminated what used to be called the close season, the constant diet of transfer speculation and tittle tattle remains part of the annual ritual. And is anything more enjoyable? Where else in sport can we knock so much fun from baseless rumors and idle conjecture?
Of course, the Internet has over the past decade and a half just made the transfer madness more and more insane. At dawn, a mischievous early riser can put an item on a club message board about a reliable whisper regarding the pending/guaranteed/definitely going to happen arrival of (insert star's name here). By lunchtime, it will be on Sky Sports News and all over the web. This is the era we live in. The electronic media age has turned us all into prognosticators and, ahem, liars. Before, the ability to make stuff up and put it out there was the sole preserve of hacks on the desks of English tabloid newspapers.
This summer, Stephen Ireland offers a wonderful study in the art of the modern transfer. According to one set of newspaper reports, Alan Pardew remains keen to sign him permanently despite the fact injuries meant his only significant contribution to Newcastle United last season was via a bit part in a minor nightclub scandal. According to other reports, Alex McLeish has offered him a clean slate at Villa Park and the chance to prove his greatness to an ever-shrinking legion of fans (including this columnist who still clings to the belief he has the best first touch of any Irish player ever!).
Is Pardew really interested? Is McLeish determined to give a second chance or just holding out a possible future at Villa Park as a negotiating ploy to get more money out of Newcastle? Who's to know? That's the beauty of transfer mania. Nobody knows anything really and anybody who claims they do is just pretending. The only tangible story about Ireland this past week came via the Birmingham Mail who polled fans about which players they'd like to see leave Villa over the next few weeks. Ireland came in second behind Habib Beye with 46 per cent of supporters wanting him gone.
Nobody has yet asked Spurs' fans if they'll be happy to see Robbie Keane depart but journalists will certainly be disappointed should he make a permanent move to Bolton Wanderers, Fulham, Wolverhampton Wanderers, Queen's Park Rangers or Blackburn Rovers. Forgive me if I missed out on one of the others he's been linked to so far. Think of all the "Keane to go on loan to..." stories that won't serve to fill up dull midweek shifts on sports desks. That presumes he does find some other club willing to overpay for a striker who looks increasingly unable to cut it in the Premier League. You did notice none of his suitors are outfits even aspiring to be in the top six.
For Ireland's sake, a move to Bolton might be the best bet given that Owen Coyle is a manager on the up and their style of play will produce chances for him to score. Keane has historically needed a lot of opportunities to bag his goals and at Wolverhampton and Blackburn in particular, he might be on a starvation diet upfront. Ask Kevin Doyle how many gilt-edged looks at goal he gets at Moulineux. While Blackburn are currently favored to get his signature, this may not be a wise move. Much like at QPR, there's a good chance Rovers will change manager this side of Christmas.
There is a sense of déjà vu about all Keane transfer stories. There has to be. He's been a staple of speculation for nearly every one of the past 13 summers. We like fresher stories and most eye-catching headline so far linked Shane Long with Bayern Munich. For those of us obsessed with the fact not enough Irish players try their luck away from Britain, this was manna from heaven. This would be the perfect age for Long to use a couple of seasons in the Bundesliga to seriously improve and turn himself into a top-rate striker.
Before we could start worrying about whether Long might rot on the bench in Bavaria though, closer inspection of this yarn seemed to indicate it could be filed alongside previous Irish tall tales such as Ian Harte to Valencia/Barcelona, etc.
For a moment there though, we had the chance to dream about an Irishman togging out for Bayern. It says much that the last time an Irish footballer was even linked with the German giants, it was Roy Keane in the late nineties. That's a long time ago now.
The Long saga sums up what we love and love to hate about the transfer window. One minute we are picturing him setting the Olympic Stadium alight with goals, the next we are back to picturing him in a Sunderland shirt or, even worse, at Newcastle United. Why would anybody go to either of those two places? If Steve Bruce knows what he's doing, he does a very good job persuading the world he doesn't. And Newcastle, well, Kevin Nolan's decision to drop down a division rather than stay there sums up how positive the long-term outlook is in that corner of the world.
Even the best case scenario for Long as he considers leaving Reading and the Championship behind is Everton, a club with great supporters and a fantastic manager in David Moyes. The problem here is Moyes is a manager whose water into wine act is going to have to falter one of these years. As a veteran of the transfer circuit like Robbie Keane will testify, nothing worse than the manager leaving just after you've arrived.
